Like many of you, I’ve put on a few inches during the winter. And I was made aware of it by seeing a front page view of my fanny at the check out stands.
I want to leave this “behind” me so I am going to share with you how I plan ready to get bikini ready for summer.
Diet: It has the word DIE in it, so I am going to skip that. After all, who wants to die? There are things to die for, like a good belly rub, a steak bone, or a trip to the park, but lowering the amount or type of food I LOVE??? Heck no!
Exercise: Going to skip that one too.
Dolly’s “Sure-Fired-Diet-and-Exercise-Free” Solution: Napping. It’s really genius if you think about it! First, you are not eating if you are sleeping. It’s low impact… actually NO impact. You get that much needed rest. And BONUS, you can do it with your humans. Below are a few examples of the exercise. If you get lost by the expert maneuvers I am able to pull off, don’t worry, free-style it!
I plan on losing all the excess “me” by the first day of Spring, but if I don’t, I will keep plugging away at this nap thing. Below is an expert tip on how to hide your fluffy-ness:
Your Style Guru, Dolly The Pug Editor In Chief – The Dolly Papers
Some compared my lifestyle to a pre-teen Drew Barrymore/Lindsay Lohan (of course with much better couture)!
It’s been a while since I last wrote my column and I wanted to explain to you, my slavishly loyal fanbase, why…
As you are aware, at a very early age I ascended to the dizzying heights of stardom. As a mere puppy, I was appearing on the cover of international tabloids. I was so famous, that verbs were named after me. Sayings like “I Dolly’d”, and “Dolly up” became part of popular culture. Some compared my lifestyle to a pre-teen Drew Barrymore/Lindsay Lohan (of course with much better couture)!
I flew in private jets. I dined at the tables of royalty. I sat front-and-center at the fashion shows. But as we all know, all that goes up, must eventually come crashing down. And crashing down I did! My weight ballooned. I stayed out late, missing important meetings. My inner circle began to dwindle, replaced by hangers-on.
One day I found myself looking into the mirror and wondering what happened to that joyful puppy of yesteryear that romped with tennis balls and found joy in the simple things like long walks and head rubs?
My remaining friends staged an intervention and I was whisked off to Puggy Ford where I dried-out. I went on a strictly vegan cleanse. Gone were the Kobe beef patties, replaced by kombucha and kale. I meditated. I hiked. I did yoga – well, not actually on purpose, but trying to get out of my Spanks I found myself in a very downward dog pose once. In other words, I found “me” again!
I stand before you, a new, happier puppy. And I am returning to my post as style-guru at Diva Dog where I will send off weekly missives about the latest trends from around the world. And of course, keep you up to date on my glamorous, though much more “centered” life.
So for now I don’t say goodbye, I say I’ll see you again next week!
We need your help with naming “Collar X” from our 2017 Christmas Collection. Simply reply to this email with your most brilliant names and we will select the one that we find fits the style and our brand. The winner will receive this collar as the Grand Prize. Runners up will receive a 10% discount on their next order thru 11/15/17. Winner will be notified after Oct. 25, 2017.
Participants must log in and create an account at http://www.diva-dog.com in order to qualify. If you do not have an account, just click here to create one: LOGIN
Send us in your wackiest photo that we can use on our website and social media pages and be entered into a contest to win a Diva Dog collar of your choice AND get it engraved for FREE!
Contest Rules: One entry per pet. Entries must be submitted by 7/15/16. We will pick the one that makes us laugh the hardest, or go awwwww (yes this is subjective, but we have a really good sense of humor and we LOVE dogs).
First I would like to send you well wishes of a Happy and Prosperous 2017! I do have to say 2017 isn’t starting out so great for this pug. It all started with a Christmas present…
This was just my second Christmas and I was looking forward to a lot of toys and cookies. What I got was, as the Father in “A Christmas Story” described Ralphie wearing Aunt Martha’s pink bunny pj’s, a “Pink Nightmare”. Words don’t do it justice. The item of clothing was made of swirling pink fur, a zipper with a faux diamond pull and a nausea inducing color best described as Pepto-Bismo pink.
I tried to put on my game face. After all, I’ve modeled many garmets that I wouldn’t personally purchase. I strutted down the hall like a super model doing a catwalk during Fashion Week. I rolled around on the ground like Madonna performing Like a Virgin. I was moving with wreckless abandon. I was selling it!
All of a sudden one of the humans noticed my zipper was slowly inching down my back. I was, in effect, unzipping with every movement of my body. They declared that I was “too fat”. My body was not a medium, as I have always maintained, but a portly large. It was mentioned that I looked like a sausage with feet.
Fast forward to today. I am now on a diet. And by diet, I mean just regular dog food, no scraps, no treats, basically no reason to live. In addition to that cruel and inhumane punishment, I am going on daily walks about the neighborhood. I like walks. The short ones. Walks that last a maximum of 5 minutes, followed by a treat. But these so-called walks involve hills and other such hazards as to make them a veritable torture course.
I sign off for now, weary, and hungry. Very, very hungry!
Dolly The Pug
Dolly the Pug is brought to you by her favorite brand of accessories – Diva-Dog!
Get ready for the NFL Superbowl with our selection of NFL collar charms:
Today I am grateful for just being me… a pug. Being a pug has it’s privileges and among them is being a lap dog and I excel at that art. Lapping as we experts call it, requires letting all of your inhibitions go and being really, really pushy. Nobody, nowhere, and no time is off limits for taking your rightful place.
Dolly The Pug
Brought to you by Diva-Dog collars, leashes, harnesses and collar charms. Today is the final day to get FREE Shipping on your orders! www.diva-dog.com
Day 18 (don’t ask where days 15-17 went) of the things I am thankful for takes us to my favorite pastime. Retrieving. Pugs aren’t known for their retrieving skills, but as I’ve always known, I’m a little different from the rest of the pack! In fact, I LOVE to retrieve balls, tennis balls to be exact.
My retrieving skills are unorthodox. I like to do a little cat-and-mouse game with my humans when I retrieve the ball. I call it “Can’t Touch This” after the great poet MC Hammer. Here’s how “Can’t Touch This” goes:
First, I charge after the tennis ball. Then I scamper back (scampering is a leisurely jog).
Second, I gently place the ball down, just out of my humans reach. Third, I lie in wait for them to try to grab the ball. Fourth, and most importantly, I snatch the ball back and again scamper about.
This can go on for hours, or until the look of weariness in their eyes makes me relent.
Try this on your humans. They will LOVE it. And do you know what else they will love? Same day FREE shipping on collars, leashes and more at Diva-Dog.com!
I’m over half way thru my “25 Days of Thankfulness” and I hope you are enjoying my posts.
Today I am going to talk about another thing that is near-and-dear to my little pug heart: pet friendly restaurants! Thank you business owners that understand that pets are part of families and we love to go as many places with them as possible.
I love to sit on a patio with my humans and enjoy a few nibbles of food tossed my way. It’s a bonus when I get to bark at passing dogs and brag to them that I am dining “al fresco”.
Off to nosh somewhere new tomorrow! I’m hoping for a steakhouse.
If you know me, and by now readers you should be intimately aware of my little ideosycracies, you know I am anything but prompt. I live in a whirlwind of social activity, which includes naps, walks, naps, food, and of course lots of petting with my humans. This sometimes leads to, what is known as “Dolly Time”. Dolly Time (caps, please) is what is known as an “ish” sort of experience. It’s late-ish. It’s tardy-ish. It’s an out-of-body experience where time takes on no meaning. If I say I will be writing a daily blog, that means: On a semi-regular basis, you will see blog posts. But, let’s just say, don’t set your watches, calendars or sundials by it!
Anyway, without further adieu, here is my latest post on what I am thankful for: Sleeping In. Ok, you may already know I like to nap. But Sleeping In (again caps) is an event that requires at least 8 hours of non-interrupted sleep, followed by another 2-3 hours of “me time sleep”.
Sleeping In (caps), is not for everyone. You have to build up stamina to attempt this. You need to learn to ignore grating the sound of alarm clocks, the gentle, then not so gentle nudges of your humans. You need to build up a level of total-unawareness that rivals the mental concentration skills of the Shaolin Monks of China (wiki this peeps, they are awesome)!
Look for my next post on “what I am thankful for” tomorrow, or maybe the next day… Squirrel!!!!
This post is brought to you by Diva-Dog! Diva-Dog offers same-day shipping thru Dec. 20th for your last minute Christmas gifts AND FREE SHIPPING within the continental US.
Today I am thankful for being mistaken for a stuffed animal. No, really, it happens all the time!
I’m known to fall asleep rather rapidly and I love to sleep on all things soft. Around our house that can often mean a stuffed animal or two (or six). Anyway, similarly to E.T. The Extraterrestrial, I tend to look like a teddy bear. This can be to my advantage though. I get to stay on my human boys bed for long stretches of time. I also find sleeping on fake fur to be very enjoyable.
Have a great Friday everyone.
Dolly the Pug
Brought to you by Dolly’s favorite dog collars and leashes – Diva Dog! Get free shipping thru the weekend when you shop www.diva-dog.com
Ok, I may have skipped a few days of my Worldwide Thank You Tour 2016, but it’s the holidays and I’m on “vacay-mode”! I’ve been sipping eggnog and napping by the fire (not really, because I live in sunny San Diego, but I thought you might enjoy the image).
Here I go with, what I consider to be one of my most favorite things in life… bacon. Those flat, crunchy, salty bits of heaven are the reason to get up in the mornings. I would literally walk, or even saunter down the stairs to get a piece of bacon. Without bacon, why go on? Bacon should be it’s own food group. I would put it at the top of the nutrition pyramid. In fact, I would replace the entire food pyramid with bacon. I could go on, and on about bacon, but I think sharing a photo of me with bacon in my mouth is worth a thousand words, so here you go viewers:
I finish this ode to bacon just one request – MORE bacon!!!!!
This post brought to you by Dolly’s favorite brand of dog collars and leashes – Diva Dog. Today you can get FREE shipping on all orders placed within the continental USA!
On day 3 I am thankful for the power of invisibility. Now you may be thinking, Dolly you are out of your mind! But before you put me in a doggy straight jacket, let me explain. Because of my diminutive and petite physique, I fit into tiny places. And my humans don’t know I’m there. I can nap for hours under a pillow on the couch. Or, observe the neighborhood cat from behind a plant. I am virtually invisible. This comes in hand at dinner time where I stalk food scraps from under the dining room table.
Dolly The Pug
Editor in Chief
The Dolly Files
Hey peeps! Dolly’s favorite website is having a weekend only sale on collar charms. Check out www.diva-dog.com and use coupon code CHARM to get 25% off all charms thru 12/5/16
Day two on my 25 days of gratitude world tour takes us to my home. To a round, fluffy, cuddly, soft and warm little piece of this planet I call my bed. I acknowledge I sleep on many surfaces in my home. Couches, backs of chairs, my humans laps etc. but my own little bed is where I feel most secure.
Not only is my bed the once piece of furniture in the house that is solely mine, its portable! Its like having an RV. I drag it from room to room to follow the humans daily routines. Once the coffee pot goes on, my portable home takes to the road and we travel to the dining room where I wait for stray morsels of breakfast to land in my bowl. From there its a whirlwind of locations. The exotic land of Kitchen. Kitchen has hot and cold temperatures and the scent of far away places. One day it’s China and the next it’s Mexico. Living room is next on my itinerary. LR as I like to call it, is a veritable oasis. There’s cushions galore, carpet to run my paws across and it’s the home of many laps. And my all time favorite vacation spot is bedroom. Bedroom is where I stay-cation and relax.
This world traveler is now weary. I am going to drag my bed to Bedroom and park it. Au revoir, arrivederci and adios.
Dolly the Pug,
The Dolly Files
The Dolly Files are brought to you by Diva-Dog. Dolly doesn’t wear collars often, but when she does… she wears Diva-Dog. www.diva-dog.com
I’ve been inspired by my many followers posts about things they are thankful for. Obviously I live a life of privileged, but the “little things” are still what matter most to this pug.
Day one of “Things I Am Thankful For” – Car Rides
There isn’t a dog alive that doesn’t go weak at the knees when they hear their owners car keys jingle. Wind on our faces, ears flapping in the wind and the occasional bark at passing motorcycles – live just doesn’t get any better that this. So humans, you may think it’s just a short drive to the drugstore, or a quick drive-thru to grab a cup of coffee, but to us dogs, it’s the biggest thing to happen to us today. Strap a dog in and ride. Ride like the wind!!!
As you may be aware, I am a Spokes-Pug for Diva-Dog. In addition to the hectic modeling duties that I handle with grace and panache, I am sometimes called upon to let you know about new things they are introducing. My agent told me this is part of my “contract”. Alright then, a girl needs to work for her kibble so here ya go:
Mistletoe: It doesn’t get any more holly jolly than this! The Mistletoe dog collar is made from plush red velvet (rumor has it that it’s the exact same velvet Santa wears). And it is topped with a red satin flower with gold gilded edges, like a bow on the top of a present. You can select from either Holly Red or Pine Green.
A Formal Affair:Special occasions happen year-round, and no pup’s wardrobe is complete without a fancy dress collar! The Formal Affair dog collar is perfect for weddings, galas, parties and anywhere your pooch needs to make an entrance.
Olly:The Olly is an ode to the cocktail olive. Salty orbs of olive green are pierced by black cocktail picks and centered with ruby red pimentos. The Olly is the big sister of Yappy Hour, our shot glass sized collar for smaller dogs.
Dori:The Dori dog collar is fresh, like a summer breeze in the country. Dori’s hand embroidered flower is a pop of color against a muted, celery green velvet. The matching leash has a detachable flower.
OK, there are a few more “new for the holidays” collars to choose from, but I seem to have lost my focus (it’s nap time) so click here to check them all out!
It’s that time of year again, Halloween. Now it’s true I’m only 1 1/2 years old so this is just my second year of this but I am speaking on behalf of all pugs when I say “make this madness stop”!!!!
There isn’t a day that goes by where somewhere on this planet a pug is being stuffed into a costume and having their photos taken. Then, said photos are posted on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram accounts and our most embarrassing moments are forever on display.
Halloween is just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to this travesty. We’ve been turned into Easter Bunnies, Cupids and leprechaun’s in addition to the hundreds of Yoda’s you will see this month. Here are just a few examples of the ways in which we are exploited for your amusement:
Now, you might be thinking to yourself, Dolly – you are doing the same thing. And yes, I am but you have to admit pugs make you smile (and you are probably doing that right now). So, AFTER you read my blog, start rallying in support of my important issue.
Dolly The Pug
Editor In Chief
The Dolly Files
For you fans of pig skin (I prefer bacon) here’s an awesome deal on NFL collar charms by Diva-Dog: www.diva-dog.com valid thru 10/10/16
We are faced with the age old question? Are pugs cats, cleverly disguised as small and adorable puppies? Or, a fiendishly clever puppy who uses their wiles on unsuspecting humans to garner treats? Cat? Dog? You decide!
As you probably know (and who doesn’t keep up on this sort of thing), I am the spokes-puppy for Diva-Dog.com. In addition to ribbon cutting ceremonies, kissing babies and visiting the White House I also share with my loyal fans news on their company. Here’s a really good one!
Have you visited our clearance page lately??? Cuz if you haven’t, your missing out on awesome deals. Check them out by clicking on this link: http://diva-dog.com/sale/
Have you ever had one of those moments where you felt like you were floating on air? If you played the lotto you would win. If you had to kick the game winning field goal you would nail it. Or like myself, if you stared at your humans they would open the refrigerator door to a wall of steaks for you!
Well take note world. On this day in pug history, I am having one of those moments.
Last night my humans let me sleep on the bed and forgot to put me in my crate. I woke up to the texture of 1000 thread count Egyptian cotton under my bottom.
That’s not where this dream state ended either. The humans had massive quantities of steak last night and were impervious to my doe eyed begging. But this morning their cold, cruel hearts melted and I was served up a heaping bowl of steak scraps and kibble. Adding the maraschino cherry on top of my morning was the presentation of the bone. Not just any bone either. One larger than my front leg!
Words cannot express the dizzying delight I felt when that bone was set in front of me. I was speechless… almost.
I hope you find yourself sprinkled with the pixie dust of good fortune peeps!
Dolly The Pug
P.S. Since I am the “spokes-pug” for Diva-Dog.com I wanted to share another bit of luck and happiness: This weekend they are offering 25% off all of their summer styles. Check them out at this link: http://diva-dog.com/summer-styles-on-sale/
School is out, the sun is hot and I’m exhausted. It must be summer. And you know what summer rhymes with? BUMMER! Yes, you heard me right. I am not a fan of the summer solstice.
If you are built like me, short legs, or as I like to say – “ground hugging traction” you are closer to the hot pavement. Additionally, my classic looks include a somewhat underdeveloped nose. It is of course fabulous to look at, but harder to breathe thru. Combine that with the fact that I am of generous proportions, and you have one hot dog!
I have found a way to combat the ravages of summer with a simple routine. I bask in the sun early in the day, and follow that up with a power nap. The power nap is a necessary part of this regimen. Without the added energy and vigor of the nap, I can barely gather myself for my midday snack!
I repeat step 2 & 3 (for those of you not listening, that’s another nap and another snack) a couple more times but within the confines of my luxury, air conditioned abode. This goes on for HOURS. Nap, snack, nap, snack etc. I call this “Beast Mode”. Caution: You have to work your conditioning up to this.
Finally the sun sets and I’m ready for dinner! It’s the best time of the day.
Dear reader, I don’t know if you realize this, but you are constantly under surveillance. Not by your government, aliens from outer space or the great All Mighty. You are under the watchful eye of your pet. To be more specific, your dog!
Dogs sort of slip under the radar. We are at your feet when you are flossing. Sitting on your lap when you are reading. And generally just blending in to the background. Most dogs are trying to get your attention. They want to be petted, fed or just acknowledged in most instances. But occasionally you run across Spy Dog. Spy Dog is interested in your every move. We sniff everything you touch, we slink up behind you and root thru the trash can you just deposited something into (it could be a clue)! Spy Dog even watches you when you sleep. We are the ever-vigilant protectors of the universe (we aren’t sure what we are protecting you from, but we are always on duty).
Don’t fear Spy Dog. Don’t stop Spy Dog. Just go about your business and let us do our job. Oh, and Spy Dog works for treats. Treat Spy Dog!
Undercover! On the Job!
To help take the sting out of Tax Day, Diva-Dog is giving out Dolly Dollars! Take $5 OFF your purchase of $20 or more. Use coupon code TAX16 at check-out. Valid thru 4/25/16. www.diva-dog.com
I have been asked by the press a million times on tips to becoming a successful diva. It is well know the world is at my feet. Kibble rains down like a spring shower whenever I bat my eyes and nobody can resist petting me (once I force my way onto their laps). But it hasn’t always been so.
I was once a small puppy with no game! Nil. Nada. I couldn’t beg to save my life. It was frustrating waiting on my humans to feed me on their schedules. They didn’t understand I needed hourly “top-offs” to my bowl. And their feeble attempts at throwing the tennis ball was appalling (for some reason my not returning the ball they threw, wasn’t part of the “game” and they lost interest in chasing me).
Cue the trumpets:
Move over Tony Robbins, because your self-help- guru-of-begging is here to show you how it is done! With only a few easy lessons I will have you eating out of your humans hands in no time.
Step One: Eye Contact
Now I mean eye CONTACT. Literally. Get your eyes as close to the humans as you can. If that means jumping up onto laps, do it! If that means interfering with their dinner, driving, or reading… do it! I’ve been known to cause near accidents with my aggressive approach. Granted, I’m no longer allowed to sit in the passenger seat without a restraint, but you get my point.
Step Two: Dogged Determination
Don’t let swats on your fanny deter you. If you get pushed off a lap, what do you do? Jump right back up there! If you get put in your crate what do you do? Howl like there’s no tomorrow (eventually you will either be let out, or they will put a towel over your crate and you will take a nap – which isn’t a bad option either.)
Step Three: Spell It Out
Humans aren’t smart. It’s a fact! I read it on the internet. You need to help these poor humans know what it is you want in the most rudimentary ways (bless their hearts)! They have to literally be lead by their noses. I’ve done it all. I’ve stood ankle deep in my food bowl, put the tennis ball in their hands, growled at the leash. Here is an example:
The ribs were about ready to come off the grill and I swooped into action. I positioned myself next to my prize and stared balefully into my humans eyes. I was completely in-the-moment. If there was an Academy Award for pugs, I would have won it for “Best Actress in a scene involving meats”.
Step Four: Look For Opportunities
A great example is when your human is reading the newspaper – POUNCE! Hit that newspaper like a football team going out onto the field. You will stun your human with this brash move. Follow up with licks to the face to compensate for the fact you are most likely going to get scolded. Then drop the tennis ball on their laps. And push it toward them with sad puppy eyes.
If I have enlightened a few puppies out there, then my work here is done. And your welcome!
Dolly The Pug
This weeks edition of The Dolly Files was brought to you by Diva-Dog! Check out the 2016 line of products and receive 20% off these items by using coupon code: SP2016 at checkout http://www.diva-dog.com
Spring has sprung at my estate and our land was overrun by nasty vermin called gophers. These are vile little fellows that like to leave behind pillowy mounds of earth where once lived a favorite flower or shrub.
My humans are beside themselves, so I decided to take it upon myself to eradicate these unwanted new tenants. My first notion was to wait them out. I saw a little head pop out of a hole and retreat. I stealthily crept up and waited with bated breath (note to self, brush teeth more often). After a few minutes large quantities of soil began to spray from the hole. I took my opportunity and leapt forth. Taking no prisoners I dug deep and I dug fast!
Soon I found myself panting, and out of breath. Around me was a landscape that could only be described as barren. I had lost myself to the siren song of the dreaded gopher. The plants I had meant to be the savior of were all tossed around the yard and I have uncovered a very large hole, some might call it gaping!
Knowing when to run and hide is one of my best attributes and when I heard the screen door swing open I ran for the hills! That fawn colored blur was me bobbing and weaving across what was formerly the lawn. I found refuge in an azalea bush. From there I could survey the situation. And what I found was the situation was not good. My human said a few choice words about America’s favorite pug puppy then set about undoing all the excavation work I had done.
If anyone wants to know where I am, I am still hiding in the azalea bush. It’s the third from the right. You will know it because it is a smallish bush and I am a biggish dog.
So long from the trenches!
Dolly The Pug
For those of you that didn’t watch CNN or E! News today, it’s my birthday. Parades and speeches aside, it’s been a very busy day for me. Not only did I turn 7 today (in dog years), but I also was given a job. Not a “chore” but an actual bonafide J-O-B. My title is Czar of Social Media Content. As far as I can tell that means posing for pictures next to things. I know of several media starts that do this for a living. Think anything that ends in “dashian”.
For my first post with my fancy new title, I am sharing a peek into my work day. This is me hard a work updating my social status. Don’t you think my human should be working harder?
I’m LOL’ing and OMG’ing into the great cyber universe. I’ve #duckfaced and I think it is only appropriate to tweet the duck. I’ve also learned by some very sad trial and error how to hold the camera at a flattering angle to hide my slight issue with neck rolls. #stilllookingforskinnyfilters
Lest there be a backlash, I did NOT use a slenderizing filter #bae.
Happy Birthday To Me,
Dolly the Pug
Editor-In-Chief & New Social Media Star
The Dolly Files
The Dolly Files are brought to you by:
25% off on Gerber Daisy Dog Collars & Leashes
Use coupon code GERBER at check out!
For some reason people LOVE to dress up their dogs, and in particular, pugs! My human has stuffed my plump little body into everything from a vampire bat costume, a frilly summer frock, a very bad 70’s disco vest and what can only be described as “Barrio-Chic”.
I’m not above the occasional twirl down the runway of life, I’m used to the “oohs!” and “aahs!” as I saunter past, but things have gotten out of hand. I’ve seen web searches for booties! Yes, I said booties. Small boots for dogs. Shoes, for a dog! What in heavens name do I need booties for? I live indoors… in Southern California. My paws are used to the plush feel of carpet, or a soft summer breeze as I am conveyed about the yard. Not the constriction of soles and shoe laces.
I’ve put my ear to the wall to listen to the late night confabs my human has had with her fellow dog-crazy friends. She’s been sizing me up for what can only be described as Pug Spanx! I don’t need tummy control panels, or booty pads. And certainly NOT sandal toes!
On behalf of all canines I beseech you all, this madness must end! And by end I mean no more doggy glasses, tiaras, hats, tutu’s or other accessories you think would look “cute” on us. We. Are. Not. Amused!
This weeks “Musings of a Muse” was brought to you by Diva-Dog! Check out the latest in Canine Chic at www.diva-dog.com
I was told there’s going to be a super bowl next weekend! My little heart jumped at the thought of a giant bowl of kibble.
I was told there’s going to be a super bowl next weekend! My little heart jumped at the thought of a giant bowl of kibble. Would it be chicken? Fish? Dare I say BISON??? But no, what you humans call a Super Bowl isn’t kibble. It isn’t even in a bowl! What’s wrong with the world?
If puppies were in charge, things would be different. And by different, I mean delicious. A giant metal bowl would be created and filled to the brim with delightful treats. Puppies from all over the world would join together in a contest of true grit. Winners would be decided by how many kibbles could be downed in a 60 minute time frame. Our half time show would involve cats, mail men and squirrels. And the victor would receive a life-sized sculpture of themselves carved out of steak.
So next weekend, when you are watching that boring game on tv, ask yourself, wouldn’t a Dolly Bowl be more interesting?
Dolly the Pug
Commissioner of Mischief
Brought to you by Diva-Dog, Diva Dog is dedicated to creating stylish dog collars and accessories for your favorite obsession, your best friend, your dog! This week, get FREE SHIPPING on our NFL Collar Charms. Use coupon code: FOODBOWL at check out
Everyone is so impressed with things like multi-tasking. Books are written on it. People brag about it on Facebook. Blah. Blah. Blah! I’m not impressed!
Everyone is so impressed with things like multi-tasking. Books are written on it. People brag about it on Facebook. Blah. Blah. Blah! I’m not impressed!
I’m what’s known as a lap dog. Definition: a small pet so precious, we not only want, but NEED to be carried about and reside mainly on laps. Yes I know, it’s a hard job, but I am up to the task.
Here’s how my workday goes:
7 am: Woken from a sound slumber by the shuffling of my humans feet. This arises in me the need to bark loudly reminding them to release me from my mountain of cushions in my crate.
7:05-7:45am: Weave in and out of the legs of my family as they try and fix breakfast, lunches and get dressed. This includes but is not limited to growling at my bowl, chewing on stray socks, shoes, erasers etc. as they float to the floor around me and generally “being a complete, and utter nuisance” (my mom’s words here, not mine.)
7:45am – 9pm: Now this is where my true talents are put to the test! Sleep on any soft surface I can find. If say, someone wants to take a nap. I’m there. If you wanted to watch tv, I’m there. If you wanted to read a book quietly, I – AM – THERE! Basically anytime you want to sit quietly and do nothing, I am your boon companion. Your BFF as you will, of total and complete loafing around.
9:01pm – 6:59am: Sleep, because all that work is exhausting!
My mom was once again watching Dr. Oz (the family usually bans her from doing this because we end up eating some crazy diet or we find he smearing strange things on her face).
My mom was once again watching Dr. Oz (the family usually bans her from doing this because we end up eating some crazy diet or we find he smearing strange things on her face). Anyway, he had a guest on that said the #1 reason he will live longer is he has a dog! Really, no kidding, a dog! Apparently us domesticated canines stare lovingly into your eyes and it reduces the overall levels of the stress hormone, cortisol in your body. Not only that, but you also get a boost in your parasympathetic nervous system activity, the system that helps calm and rest the body.
So next time you are feeling stressed out, just take a look at this picture:
While perusing the television with my humans, I ran across a “nature” program about camouflage as protection against predators. First of all, there’s nothing “natural” about living outdoors, hunting for your food, and missing nap times. It’s not just “un-natural” it goes against every fiber in my being!
Alas, I digress. The idea of camouflage is not new to me. I have been practicing my own version of it for months (I’m only 8 months old as I’m sure you already know). In order to protect myself from the occasional swats on my tush for chewing on a couch cushion, I go into “cute mode”. It involves my patented moves. There are many more, but for brevity’s sake, try these:
1. The side eye glance
2. The over the shoulder big eyes
3. The chin on the knee
4. The face between the paws
Now, this is not for everyone. Heavens NO! In fact, you must first be adorable to pull off this trick. Once you’ve established your adorableness factor (between 7-8 is meh, I’m a 10+), you can then try the beginner moves. I would start with the “Face between the paws”. It works in the most dire of situations involving expensive footwear or the accident on the carpet.
Best of luck!
Dolly the Pug
For more hints, and suggestions ask Dolly:email@example.com
I’ve watched bits and pieces of “Deadliest Catch”, “Ice Road Truckers” and “Ax Men” and I’m far from impressed. Although those humans put themselves in harms way to earn a living, nothing is as stressful as being a dog model.
Not only do I have to watch my weight, go to the pet salon regularly, and chew on bones to keep the gleam on my puppy teeth, but I also have to work on my poses. I must capture the moment in a slight turn of my head, or a parting of my lips. Take these poses for instance:
So, the next time you watch “Americas Top Model”, show some respect. They work hard so you don’t have to.
After the last piece of confetti flutters to the floor. After the last strains of Pomp & Circumstance echoes thru the halls. After the crowds depart. A small pug is left to wonder. What will I do with myself? Am I going to follow in the footsteps of the graduates before me and work in a coffee shop? Will I use the skills I learned? Will my job make me happy? Ok, really I was wondering when will they feed me, when I found my true calling:
I will enter the world of “Home Health Care”. And not just enter it, I will leap into it with all four paws!
This is the story that pug will pass along to pug upon their graduation day:
It was a warm summer day. My human was returning from a form of torture known as exercise. It involved all sort of inhumane activities like running and lifting weights. The rattle of the front doorknob pulled me out of my slumber. I raced to the door to discover a hunched over human walking, no, hobbling past me. She took what seemed like an eternity to lower herself to the floor and let out a groan.
Not knowing what new game we were playing I leaped on top of her and started licking her face and bounding about. She groaned again, which I took as “jump around and lick me more”. When I was unceremoniously pushed off of her, I noticed she clearly wasn’t happy. On all fours she crawled past me to the bathroom and returned with a heating pad. She gingerly lay down upon it and remained motionless. I was puzzled, but soon came to realize she needed more licks and less leaps.
From that day forward, whenever I see a human in distress, I leap into action and administer puppy CPR. Cuddle, Pounce and Retreat. Oh and then I lick all the pain away.
If you need any job advice, please email me. As my humans say “I am full of it”!
Graduation day is here! I have not only passed the required doggy-obedience classes, I excelled. Some might say I was a model student. My humans were sufficiently impressed with my skills at “down”, “sit” and “leave it” to award me with a graduation hat this morning. Of course my fashionista instincts were on high alert. Does it go with my outfit? Does it enhance my wide-set eyes? My inner fashionista snorted, turned on her tail and stalked off. I had no other recourse than to chew it up. I will be sauntering down the aisle sans-chapeau! Adieu doggy-obedience, I will miss the delicious doggy treats I was allowed to inhale when I nailed another trick and the constant adoration my humans were required to give me on said occasions.
Dog Obedience Class, or as I like to call it “another way to waste my humans money”
It was a Thursday, just like any other Thursday, except this one would go down in the annals of dog history as the “bark heard ’round the world”.
I was just minding my own business, gnawing on the rubbery heel of another chew toy (ok, it was a shoe, but nonetheless, another chew toy in my book) when I heard the gentle tinkle of my harness being removed from the coat rack. Innocently I ran towards the device, unaware of the torture that would soon be inflicted upon me.
After a short car ride I was breezing thru the doors of another pet store. Intent upon finding the treat section, I was caught unaware when I found myself inside what could only be described as a holding pen for wayward dogs. The bulldog immediately caught my eye. Was he friend or foe? Only time would tell.
Short introductions were made, then we got down to the real reason I was here. l was in “doggy obedience” classes. I made a run for it, but quickly realized I was shackled to the humans. My only option was to hunker down and wait for the assault.
A perky woman in pigtails showed the humans a bag of treats (this got my attention). She walked up to the Sheltie and proceeded to force her to sit by waving a treat under her nose. This got all the humans excited including mine. They stealthily pulled a treat out of their bag and proceeded to wave it in front of my nose. Hah! I wasn’t budging. I leaped for it, ran around their feet tangling my leash and subduing them. This caught the eye of the instructor. She took the treats and tried her voodoo magic on me, but I wasn’t falling for it! After about 10 tries, HER instructor came on to try and tame this majestic beast. She brought different treats, a doggie bed so that my tush wouldn’t touch the cold floor. But no dice lady! I woofed, wiggled and made my stand. Not just for me, but for all dog-kind.
When your children’s, children celebrate this day, tell them it was the day Dolly declared Freedom for all four legged friends! Viva Dolly! Viva!
I have to admit I sometimes take it to the limit. As I like to say “I push boundaries”. I’ve been known to chew on expensive footwear, relieve myself wherever I darn well please and passive/aggressively ignore my humans call to come.
But when I tore up my bed the other day, I thought they were going to skin me alive – and I DO have a beautiful pelt! My humans told me they were going to (in their words here) “teach that dog a lesson”. I thought by “lesson” they meant ballet or tap, but I was soooooooo wrong!
They carted me off to a pet obedience class. We arrived punctually at 7 pm at our neighborhood pet store and were sent to an open area with low walls and chairs for the humans. I was allowed to growl at the Sheltie and chew on my leash while the instructor blathered on about such nonsense as leader of the pack mentality, behavior problems and socializing your pet.
The teacher went around the room asking the humans to introduce themselves, their pets and what they wanted to get from the class. Of course the Sheltie barked too much, she’s such a cliche. When they got to my humans, they said I needed discipline. Snort! Discipline? I am the epitome of discipline. Who was it that left 4 kibbles in their bowl this morning for a mid-morning snack? Moi. Ok, I did run right back there and eat them as soon as my hunger pangs hit me. Who knew it would be 3 minutes?
I was told we will be working on “sit” commands first. I already know how to sit. What sort of school is this anyway? Next they’re gonna ask me to blink or breathe. Either way I am NOT going to do it on command.
Check back later for the blog on how I demoralized the trainers. Yeah I said trainer(s)!
I have been TO the vet. It’s a confusing experience that involves needles, pats on the head from strangers, a prance across the scale and a cookie at the end of the visit (not to mention the embarrassing moment when they take my temperature.) I have mixed emotions about the whole process.
But what I want to talk about is the other kind of vet. The one that travels to foreign lands, with enemies hiding behind every rock and around every doorway and protects my furry bottom. I want to take this opportunity to salute those brave souls. Happy Fourth of July to our brave men and women abroad and at home as well as their families. We are free because of you. So hoot and howl this Fourth of July, but remember the saying “Freedom Isn’t Free”. Then pass the potato salad (if you drop a little bit on the ground for me, I won’t tell anyone)!
There are the intellectuals that can be found hanging out in galleries using terms like “existential”, “painterly” and “abstract expressionism”… I’m not one of them.
There are the sporty types who know point spreads, combines and the pros and cons of designated hitters… I’m not one of them.
Then there’s the outdoors-y types. They camp. They hike. They fish, surf, climb things. Basically they’re for all things I am against!
My family is “outdoors-y”. Problem with that, you ask? After all who doesn’t want to smell fresh air and commune with Mother Nature? ME, that’s who! I am perfectly at peace with the world lying on a couch, carpet or other soft, man-made material. Driving in the comfort of a well air conditioned automobile is underrated.
I’ve been to the “mountain” and believe me, it ain’t worth the hike!
Lately I’ve been ferried about town in a tote – I’m pretty sure I’m actually being smuggled!
There appears to be stores out there that don’t want dogs in them. Weird I know, but alas it is true. Take Starbucks for instance – NOT loving dogs in their stores. Thankfully my winning smile attracted the sympathy of the baristas and they looked the other way. I’ve also been taken “on the down low” into Walmart, Macys and a few restaurants.
But here’s my real peeve: I love designer handbags like every red blooded female out there, but this has got to stop. The real issue is it’s a TOTE! It’s not even designer brand tote. This is bad for my image. If you find any photos of me stuffed into this abomination on Instagram – I am begging you to remove them, or at the very least mention I am being held against my will!
Being a world-class athlete, I am in tip-top condition at all times. My resting heart rate is optimal. My BMI is exceptionally good and my paw-eye coordination is incredible. I’m really a marvel to behold.
Why don’t I play on a team you ask? Well of course I could, and I would be the best player on the team. And that’s the problem. I am so incredibly good that I would ruin the hopes and dreams of those poor lesser talents.
Take the US Ladies Soccer team. They have a goalie. And some people think she is pretty good. But how can a person with sadly, just two feet compete with four lightening fast paws? And don’t forget a set of razor sharp teeth! It just wouldn’t be fair.
So today, while I am sitting in front of my television watching those sad bi-ped women flail and wobble about on the field, I won’t judge them to harshly. After all, it’s not their fault. There’s only room in this world for one Dolly the Pug.
I’ve heard the term “Dog Tired” bandied about by the humans in my house. They use it to describe the state of being too tired to take me on midnight raids on my kibble bowl, playing “chase me around the yard when it’s time to come in”, or basically anything I find fun!
I am here to put my paw down and say “Dog Tired” is hokum! They’re not even DOGS! I bet they watched a segment of Dr. Oz and self-diagnosed. This wouldn’t be the first time they found “symptoms” on that show. Witness the month of gluten-free, the day of super food juicing (noticed I said day, as in ONE day).
I’m a dog and I don’t get tired. I can chew on socks for hours, race around the yard till I’m panting. And still I have plenty of energy. Okay, I DO take the occasional nap. Okay, nap(sssss). But it isn’t because I’m tired, I just find a need to shut my eyes for a few minutes at a time. I’m really just in a state of meditation.
So to all you dog posers out there: GET OVER IT! Chase your dog, play ball with them, cater to their every whim, be cause we are in on your dirty little secret!
There is a magical kingdom called Dollywood. And it is ruled by a beautiful Princess named Dolly. Shoes are everywhere and everyone can chew on them without getting scolded. Kibble rains down upon the villagers like a soft summer shower. Nobody wears collars and leashes are outlawed. Kicking over a wastebasket full of paper, and chewing on the balls of wadded up fun is the national pastime.
Where is this place, you ask? It resides in the brain of a small pug. Her name? Princess Dolly. Welcome to Dolly’s world.
Written on behalf of Princess Dolly by her faithful servants.
The United States of Dolly is issuing a $5 off sale on all regular priced Diva-Dog collars and leashes! Use your Dolly Dollars by typing in coupon code at check out: Dolly$ at check out. Valid thru 6/15/15
I know that being a celebrity comes with a lot of perks, but it also comes with the loss of ones privacy. I can no longer go to the market and shop. Ok, I never went to the market anyway. But now, even if I wanted to pretend to be a commoner and buy a can of dog food at Walmart, I would be chased back to my limo buy the blinding lights of cameras. What barbarians!
Yes, you guessed it. I’m hounded by the puperazzi. Who are the pupperazzi you ask? Well, they are a certain breed of dog (cough, Rotweiller) that bottom dwell and make their living by harassing A-listers like myself. They doctor photos to make me look like I’m not bikini ready, I’m in a cult, I’m dating George Clooney or even worse, I’m ugly!
I’ve held my head high and ignored them for far too long. The current issues on the news stands have my hackles up. I merely dropped my Chanel bag while giving a homeless man a quarter and they went crazy snapping shots of me. Obviously they used Photoshop!
P.S. As a Dolly Fan you are getting Dolly Dollars! Take $5 Dolly Dollars off of your next purchase of regularly priced Diva-Dog collars and leashes. Offer Valid thru 6/10/15. One time use. Use Coupon Code: DOLLY$
For some reason, I am supposed to “go” outdoors. Not just outdoors, mind you either. But in the cheesily named “Poo Poo Patch”. Out in the wide open. With animals. WILD ANIMALS!
I put my paw down early and said no. I will not be subject to such barbaric treatment. I asked my people “Would YOU pee outside”? My dad said yes, and my mom did not comment (I find that telling).
Anyway, they ignored my pleas. So I had to resort to plain old stubbornness. Stubbornness has done me well in these past 3 months of my life. I first refused to switch to kibble from my moms milk. But the hollow pit in my stomach soon turned me to the sirens call of the kibble bowl. I then refused to sleep all night. I would whimper like a wounded animal for hours. That worked for a while until I was then put in a crate with a towel over it. Soon, I couldn’t resist the pull of a soft warm bed and pitch dark and fell asleep for the entire night.
But now I am on a mission. My sheer force of will is going to keep me from the denigration of the Poo Poo Patch. I will stand up for all those puppies who “went” before me. I will pee at will on the rug. I will hold it in when they take me outside, then go number 2 on the bottom step of the stairs (strategically located to be stepped in when they are careening down the stairs in the morning, oblivious to my IED).
I am not Dolly the Pug. My real name is No Dolly. Or to be exact: NO DOLLY!
You see, whenever I go about my routine of eat, sleep and play I tend to get into trouble around the “play” portion of my day. The humans in my house don’t seem to take kindly to the kinds of things I like to play. Such as, pull the carpets around:
They are equally uninterested in my game of “Untie the Shoe”:
Some people might say I’m a diva. Ok, EVERYONE says I’m a Diva. So it was only natural that Diva-Dog would approach my agent to get me to model for their new campaign. Of course we turned them down – I am too “big” for that! How would they ever think that a mega-star like myself would have time in my busy day to sit and pose? But then they said it paid in kibble and we had to reconsider. After all, we’re talking about KIBBLE!
So, on the day of my shoot I arrived in total Diva style. Late. Ok, REALLY late. And they were not so pleased to see me. In fact, they were down right upset. But who can blame me? It takes hours to look this good. I don’t just roll out of bed looking adorable. I have my people. Hair, make-up, stylist, personal assistant etc. After all, who is going to carry my latte and my phone? Hello, no opposable thumbs here!
We were able to come to terms with the crew and then I went into action. I chewed on my harness, peed on the carpet, turned my tail to the camera. As I was told later “it is a total fiasco” (I think that means really good in Italian).
As the title of this article says “Move over Giselle” cuz there’s a new “B” in town, and her name is Dolly. I’ve dropped the rest of my name, because when you’re a superstar, you don’t need more than a one word name.
My mom is always on a diet. She’s “low carb”. Whatever that means. I think she also mentioned something about gluten. I’m not sure what gluten is, but if it tastes like beef, count me in!
I’m always sitting on my moms lap near the tv (and ya wonder why she’s always on a diet)! Anyway, there was this lady on a morning show – rhymes with “Da-day Show” that said there’s this diet called the Paleo diet. Of course when I heard diet, I crawled under a cushion. But what she said made perfect sense to me. Paleo refers to cavemen and their daily routine of eating whatever was at their disposal. They were what is known as “Opportunistic Eaters”. That is moi! I eat pencils, shoes, loose belts on robes and toys. Anything that lands on the floor is fair game for me. And you know what? I’ve never felt better.
Of course I am also not opposed to a heaping scoop of kibble placed in a hot pink dog bowl.
Some people like chocolate. I’m a dog. Chocolate is poison to us. So no, I do not have a problem with chocolate. Some people like exercise. I am a pug, and exercise is poisonous to us (not really, but I like to think it is). And some people like shoes. I like shoes. And therein lies the problem. I like ALL KINDS OF SHOES. Strappy sandals, plush slippers, rubbery soled sneakers and work boots. OH HOW I LOVE work boots. I could go on for hours about the smell of the suede, the texture of the thick, round shoelaces and the flavor of those hard soles. Mmmmmmm!
Ok, snap out of it Dolly! This is a column about admitting to yourself when you have a problem and according to my family, my shoe fetish has gotten way out of hand. My mom has sat me down and had a “puppy intervention”. I just looked at her with that dazed expression I get when I am hiding something and trying not to let on that I really know what she is saying. Deep down I know I should quit. But how (insert the word “why” here, because I really don’t know why I should give up this delightful pastime)?
You’re digressing again Dolly! I need a plan. I heard there is a “steps” program. Maybe I can come up with 5 steps to not chewing the begeezus out of my family’s shoes? Here goes. This is my “Five Steps To Not Eating Shoes” by Dolly the Pug:
Step 1. Take a nap. I’m always at my best after a nap. Yes, take a nap!
Step 2. Eat. There’s nothing like eating to calm the nerves.
Step 3. Take another nap. Because, how can you keep your eyes open after eating all that food?
Step 4. Visit the Lady’s Room. Ok, we call it “Poo Poo Patch” and its behind the house, but I don’t want to sound crass.
Step 5. Um, I sort of forgot what we are doing here, so I think taking another nap sounds good.
Whew! Now that I’m rested and relaxed I think I’ll go for a stroll thru the closets to just “window shop”….
Hi. My name is Dolly. Some people call me Dolly the Pug, Dolly Madison (because I’m sweet as pie – yuck) and Doll Face. You can call me Editor in Chief of the hippest dog column on the planet! Yes, you heard it right, I’m a dog and I write an advice and lifestyle column. Look for my daily noodlings on such things as “Cats! Why?”, “Naps…, Oh yeah naps…” and “What I Chewed on Today”. If you would like advice, I’m all ears too. Just email me your questions and quandaries and I will solve all of your problems. Or at the very least, make you smile.
Signing off for now to do some research on my naps article!