Some compared my lifestyle to a pre-teen Drew Barrymore/Lindsay Lohan (of course with much better couture)!
It’s been a while since I last wrote my column and I wanted to explain to you, my slavishly loyal fanbase, why…
As you are aware, at a very early age I ascended to the dizzying heights of stardom. As a mere puppy, I was appearing on the cover of international tabloids. I was so famous, that verbs were named after me. Sayings like “I Dolly’d”, and “Dolly up” became part of popular culture. Some compared my lifestyle to a pre-teen Drew Barrymore/Lindsay Lohan (of course with much better couture)!
I flew in private jets. I dined at the tables of royalty. I sat front-and-center at the fashion shows. But as we all know, all that goes up, must eventually come crashing down. And crashing down I did! My weight ballooned. I stayed out late, missing important meetings. My inner circle began to dwindle, replaced by hangers-on.
One day I found myself looking into the mirror and wondering what happened to that joyful puppy of yesteryear that romped with tennis balls and found joy in the simple things like long walks and head rubs?
My remaining friends staged an intervention and I was whisked off to Puggy Ford where I dried-out. I went on a strictly vegan cleanse. Gone were the Kobe beef patties, replaced by kombucha and kale. I meditated. I hiked. I did yoga – well, not actually on purpose, but trying to get out of my Spanks I found myself in a very downward dog pose once. In other words, I found “me” again!
I stand before you, a new, happier puppy. And I am returning to my post as style-guru at Diva Dog where I will send off weekly missives about the latest trends from around the world. And of course, keep you up to date on my glamorous, though much more “centered” life.
So for now I don’t say goodbye, I say I’ll see you again next week!
Dear reader, I don’t know if you realize this, but you are constantly under surveillance. Not by your government, aliens from outer space or the great All Mighty. You are under the watchful eye of your pet. To be more specific, your dog!
Dogs sort of slip under the radar. We are at your feet when you are flossing. Sitting on your lap when you are reading. And generally just blending in to the background. Most dogs are trying to get your attention. They want to be petted, fed or just acknowledged in most instances. But occasionally you run across Spy Dog. Spy Dog is interested in your every move. We sniff everything you touch, we slink up behind you and root thru the trash can you just deposited something into (it could be a clue)! Spy Dog even watches you when you sleep. We are the ever-vigilant protectors of the universe (we aren’t sure what we are protecting you from, but we are always on duty).
Don’t fear Spy Dog. Don’t stop Spy Dog. Just go about your business and let us do our job. Oh, and Spy Dog works for treats. Treat Spy Dog!
Undercover! On the Job!
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Spring has sprung at my estate and our land was overrun by nasty vermin called gophers. These are vile little fellows that like to leave behind pillowy mounds of earth where once lived a favorite flower or shrub.
My humans are beside themselves, so I decided to take it upon myself to eradicate these unwanted new tenants. My first notion was to wait them out. I saw a little head pop out of a hole and retreat. I stealthily crept up and waited with bated breath (note to self, brush teeth more often). After a few minutes large quantities of soil began to spray from the hole. I took my opportunity and leapt forth. Taking no prisoners I dug deep and I dug fast!
Soon I found myself panting, and out of breath. Around me was a landscape that could only be described as barren. I had lost myself to the siren song of the dreaded gopher. The plants I had meant to be the savior of were all tossed around the yard and I have uncovered a very large hole, some might call it gaping!
Knowing when to run and hide is one of my best attributes and when I heard the screen door swing open I ran for the hills! That fawn colored blur was me bobbing and weaving across what was formerly the lawn. I found refuge in an azalea bush. From there I could survey the situation. And what I found was the situation was not good. My human said a few choice words about America’s favorite pug puppy then set about undoing all the excavation work I had done.
If anyone wants to know where I am, I am still hiding in the azalea bush. It’s the third from the right. You will know it because it is a smallish bush and I am a biggish dog.
So long from the trenches!
Dolly The Pug