After the last piece of confetti flutters to the floor. After the last strains of Pomp & Circumstance echoes thru the halls. After the crowds depart. A small pug is left to wonder. What will I do with myself? Am I going to follow in the footsteps of the graduates before me and work in a coffee shop? Will I use the skills I learned? Will my job make me happy? Ok, really I was wondering when will they feed me, when I found my true calling:
I will enter the world of “Home Health Care”. And not just enter it, I will leap into it with all four paws!
This is the story that pug will pass along to pug upon their graduation day:
It was a warm summer day. My human was returning from a form of torture known as exercise. It involved all sort of inhumane activities like running and lifting weights. The rattle of the front doorknob pulled me out of my slumber. I raced to the door to discover a hunched over human walking, no, hobbling past me. She took what seemed like an eternity to lower herself to the floor and let out a groan.
Not knowing what new game we were playing I leaped on top of her and started licking her face and bounding about. She groaned again, which I took as “jump around and lick me more”. When I was unceremoniously pushed off of her, I noticed she clearly wasn’t happy. On all fours she crawled past me to the bathroom and returned with a heating pad. She gingerly lay down upon it and remained motionless. I was puzzled, but soon came to realize she needed more licks and less leaps.
From that day forward, whenever I see a human in distress, I leap into action and administer puppy CPR. Cuddle, Pounce and Retreat. Oh and then I lick all the pain away.
If you need any job advice, please email me. As my humans say “I am full of it”!
I have to admit I sometimes take it to the limit. As I like to say “I push boundaries”. I’ve been known to chew on expensive footwear, relieve myself wherever I darn well please and passive/aggressively ignore my humans call to come.
But when I tore up my bed the other day, I thought they were going to skin me alive – and I DO have a beautiful pelt! My humans told me they were going to (in their words here) “teach that dog a lesson”. I thought by “lesson” they meant ballet or tap, but I was soooooooo wrong!
They carted me off to a pet obedience class. We arrived punctually at 7 pm at our neighborhood pet store and were sent to an open area with low walls and chairs for the humans. I was allowed to growl at the Sheltie and chew on my leash while the instructor blathered on about such nonsense as leader of the pack mentality, behavior problems and socializing your pet.
The teacher went around the room asking the humans to introduce themselves, their pets and what they wanted to get from the class. Of course the Sheltie barked too much, she’s such a cliche. When they got to my humans, they said I needed discipline. Snort! Discipline? I am the epitome of discipline. Who was it that left 4 kibbles in their bowl this morning for a mid-morning snack? Moi. Ok, I did run right back there and eat them as soon as my hunger pangs hit me. Who knew it would be 3 minutes?
I was told we will be working on “sit” commands first. I already know how to sit. What sort of school is this anyway? Next they’re gonna ask me to blink or breathe. Either way I am NOT going to do it on command.
Check back later for the blog on how I demoralized the trainers. Yeah I said trainer(s)!
For some reason, I am supposed to “go” outdoors. Not just outdoors, mind you either. But in the cheesily named “Poo Poo Patch”. Out in the wide open. With animals. WILD ANIMALS!
I put my paw down early and said no. I will not be subject to such barbaric treatment. I asked my people “Would YOU pee outside”? My dad said yes, and my mom did not comment (I find that telling).
Anyway, they ignored my pleas. So I had to resort to plain old stubbornness. Stubbornness has done me well in these past 3 months of my life. I first refused to switch to kibble from my moms milk. But the hollow pit in my stomach soon turned me to the sirens call of the kibble bowl. I then refused to sleep all night. I would whimper like a wounded animal for hours. That worked for a while until I was then put in a crate with a towel over it. Soon, I couldn’t resist the pull of a soft warm bed and pitch dark and fell asleep for the entire night.
But now I am on a mission. My sheer force of will is going to keep me from the denigration of the Poo Poo Patch. I will stand up for all those puppies who “went” before me. I will pee at will on the rug. I will hold it in when they take me outside, then go number 2 on the bottom step of the stairs (strategically located to be stepped in when they are careening down the stairs in the morning, oblivious to my IED).