After the last piece of confetti flutters to the floor. After the last strains of Pomp & Circumstance echoes thru the halls. After the crowds depart. A small pug is left to wonder. What will I do with myself? Am I going to follow in the footsteps of the graduates before me and work in a coffee shop? Will I use the skills I learned? Will my job make me happy? Ok, really I was wondering when will they feed me, when I found my true calling:
I will enter the world of “Home Health Care”. And not just enter it, I will leap into it with all four paws!
This is the story that pug will pass along to pug upon their graduation day:
It was a warm summer day. My human was returning from a form of torture known as exercise. It involved all sort of inhumane activities like running and lifting weights. The rattle of the front doorknob pulled me out of my slumber. I raced to the door to discover a hunched over human walking, no, hobbling past me. She took what seemed like an eternity to lower herself to the floor and let out a groan.
Not knowing what new game we were playing I leaped on top of her and started licking her face and bounding about. She groaned again, which I took as “jump around and lick me more”. When I was unceremoniously pushed off of her, I noticed she clearly wasn’t happy. On all fours she crawled past me to the bathroom and returned with a heating pad. She gingerly lay down upon it and remained motionless. I was puzzled, but soon came to realize she needed more licks and less leaps.
From that day forward, whenever I see a human in distress, I leap into action and administer puppy CPR. Cuddle, Pounce and Retreat. Oh and then I lick all the pain away.
If you need any job advice, please email me. As my humans say “I am full of it”!
Dog Obedience Class, or as I like to call it “another way to waste my humans money”
It was a Thursday, just like any other Thursday, except this one would go down in the annals of dog history as the “bark heard ’round the world”.
I was just minding my own business, gnawing on the rubbery heel of another chew toy (ok, it was a shoe, but nonetheless, another chew toy in my book) when I heard the gentle tinkle of my harness being removed from the coat rack. Innocently I ran towards the device, unaware of the torture that would soon be inflicted upon me.
After a short car ride I was breezing thru the doors of another pet store. Intent upon finding the treat section, I was caught unaware when I found myself inside what could only be described as a holding pen for wayward dogs. The bulldog immediately caught my eye. Was he friend or foe? Only time would tell.
Short introductions were made, then we got down to the real reason I was here. l was in “doggy obedience” classes. I made a run for it, but quickly realized I was shackled to the humans. My only option was to hunker down and wait for the assault.
A perky woman in pigtails showed the humans a bag of treats (this got my attention). She walked up to the Sheltie and proceeded to force her to sit by waving a treat under her nose. This got all the humans excited including mine. They stealthily pulled a treat out of their bag and proceeded to wave it in front of my nose. Hah! I wasn’t budging. I leaped for it, ran around their feet tangling my leash and subduing them. This caught the eye of the instructor. She took the treats and tried her voodoo magic on me, but I wasn’t falling for it! After about 10 tries, HER instructor came on to try and tame this majestic beast. She brought different treats, a doggie bed so that my tush wouldn’t touch the cold floor. But no dice lady! I woofed, wiggled and made my stand. Not just for me, but for all dog-kind.
When your children’s, children celebrate this day, tell them it was the day Dolly declared Freedom for all four legged friends! Viva Dolly! Viva!
I have to admit I sometimes take it to the limit. As I like to say “I push boundaries”. I’ve been known to chew on expensive footwear, relieve myself wherever I darn well please and passive/aggressively ignore my humans call to come.
But when I tore up my bed the other day, I thought they were going to skin me alive – and I DO have a beautiful pelt! My humans told me they were going to (in their words here) “teach that dog a lesson”. I thought by “lesson” they meant ballet or tap, but I was soooooooo wrong!
They carted me off to a pet obedience class. We arrived punctually at 7 pm at our neighborhood pet store and were sent to an open area with low walls and chairs for the humans. I was allowed to growl at the Sheltie and chew on my leash while the instructor blathered on about such nonsense as leader of the pack mentality, behavior problems and socializing your pet.
The teacher went around the room asking the humans to introduce themselves, their pets and what they wanted to get from the class. Of course the Sheltie barked too much, she’s such a cliche. When they got to my humans, they said I needed discipline. Snort! Discipline? I am the epitome of discipline. Who was it that left 4 kibbles in their bowl this morning for a mid-morning snack? Moi. Ok, I did run right back there and eat them as soon as my hunger pangs hit me. Who knew it would be 3 minutes?
I was told we will be working on “sit” commands first. I already know how to sit. What sort of school is this anyway? Next they’re gonna ask me to blink or breathe. Either way I am NOT going to do it on command.
Check back later for the blog on how I demoralized the trainers. Yeah I said trainer(s)!