BMI my Butt!

First I would like to send you well wishes of a Happy and Prosperous 2017! I do have to say 2017 isn’t starting out so great for this pug. It all started with a Christmas present…

This was just my second Christmas and I was looking forward to a lot of toys and cookies. What I got was, as the Father in “A Christmas Story” described Ralphie wearing Aunt Martha’s pink bunny pj’s, a “Pink Nightmare”. Words don’t do it justice. The item of clothing was made of swirling pink fur, a zipper with a faux diamond pull and a nausea inducing color best described as Pepto-Bismo pink.

I tried to put on my game face. After all, I’ve modeled many garmets that I wouldn’t personally purchase. I strutted down the hall like a super model doing a catwalk during Fashion Week.  I rolled around on the ground like Madonna performing Like a Virgin. I was moving with wreckless abandon. I was selling it!

All of a sudden one of the humans noticed my zipper was slowly inching down my back. I was, in effect, unzipping with every movement of my body. They declared that I was “too fat”. My body was not a medium, as I have always maintained, but a portly large. It was mentioned that I looked like a sausage with feet.

Fast forward to today. I am now on a diet. And by diet, I mean just regular dog food, no scraps, no treats, basically no reason to live. In addition to that cruel and inhumane punishment, I am going on daily walks about the neighborhood. I like walks. The short ones. Walks that last a maximum of 5 minutes, followed by a treat. But these so-called walks involve hills and other such hazards as to make them a veritable torture course.

I sign off for now, weary, and hungry. Very, very hungry!

Dolly The Pug

Dolly the Pug is brought to you by her favorite brand of accessories – Diva-Dog!
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Day 20 – Lapping It Up

Today I am grateful for just being me… a pug. Being a pug has it’s privileges and among them is being a lap dog and I excel at that art. Lapping as we experts call it, requires letting all of your inhibitions go and being really, really pushy. Nobody, nowhere, and no time is off limits for taking your rightful place.

Watching my favorite shows, in my favorite place.

Dolly The Pug

Editor in Chief of “The Dolly Files”

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Day 18 – Tennis Balls

Day 18 (don’t ask where days 15-17 went) of the things I am thankful for takes us to my favorite pastime. Retrieving. Pugs aren’t known for their retrieving skills, but as I’ve always known, I’m a little different from the rest of the pack! In fact, I LOVE to retrieve balls, tennis balls to be exact.

I just look like I’m sleeping.

My retrieving skills are unorthodox. I like to do a little cat-and-mouse game with my humans when I retrieve the ball. I call it “Can’t Touch This” after the great poet MC Hammer. Here’s how “Can’t Touch This” goes:

 

First, I charge after the tennis ball. Then I scamper back (scampering is a leisurely jog).
Second, I gently place the ball down, just out of my humans reach. Third, I lie in wait for them to try to grab the ball. Fourth, and most importantly, I snatch the ball back and again scamper about.

This can go on for hours, or until the look of weariness in their eyes makes me relent.

Try this on your humans. They will LOVE it.  And do you know what else they will love? Same day FREE shipping on collars, leashes and more at Diva-Dog.com!

 

Editor in Chief of “The Dolly Files”

 

Day 14

I’m over half way thru my “25 Days of Thankfulness” and I hope you are enjoying my posts.

Today I am going to talk about another thing that is near-and-dear to my little pug heart: pet friendly restaurants! Thank you business owners that understand that pets are part of families and we love to go as many places with them as possible.

I love to sit on a patio with my humans and enjoy a few nibbles of food tossed my way. It’s a bonus when I get to bark at passing dogs and brag to them that I am dining “al fresco”.

Thank you Sheldon’s Cafe for letting me share a coffee and croissant with my humans today!

Off to nosh somewhere new tomorrow! I’m hoping for a steakhouse.

Editor in Chief of “The Dolly Files”

Dolly Files, brought to you by www.diva-dog.com!

Day 13 (ok I may have skipped a few days)

If you know me, and by now readers you should be intimately aware of my little ideosycracies, you know I am anything but prompt. I live in a whirlwind of social activity, which includes naps, walks, naps, food, and of course lots of petting with my humans. This sometimes leads to, what is known as “Dolly Time”. Dolly Time (caps, please) is what is known as an “ish” sort of experience. It’s late-ish. It’s tardy-ish. It’s an out-of-body experience where time takes on no meaning. If I say I will be writing a daily blog, that means: On a semi-regular basis, you will see blog posts. But, let’s just say, don’t set your watches, calendars or sundials by it!

Anyway, without further adieu, here is my latest post on what I am thankful for: Sleeping In. Ok, you may already know I like to nap. But Sleeping In (again caps) is an event that requires at least 8 hours of non-interrupted sleep, followed by another 2-3 hours of “me time sleep”.

Sleeping In (caps), is not for everyone. You have to build up stamina to attempt this. You need to learn to ignore grating the sound of alarm clocks, the gentle, then not so gentle nudges of your humans. You need to build up a level of total-unawareness that rivals the mental concentration skills of the Shaolin Monks of China (wiki this peeps, they are awesome)!

Total Unawareness

See! Just like me.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Look for my next post on “what I am thankful for” tomorrow, or maybe the next day… Squirrel!!!!

Editor in Chief of “The Dolly Files”

This post is brought to you by Diva-Dog! Diva-Dog offers same-day shipping thru Dec. 20th for your last minute Christmas gifts AND FREE SHIPPING within the continental US.

 

 

Day 9 – Stuffed Animals

Today I am thankful for being mistaken for a stuffed animal. No, really, it happens all the time!

I’m known to fall asleep rather rapidly and I love to sleep on all things soft. Around our house that can often mean a stuffed animal or two (or six). Anyway, similarly to E.T. The Extraterrestrial, I tend to look like a teddy bear. This can be to my advantage though. I get to stay on my human boys bed for long stretches of time. I also find sleeping on fake fur to be very enjoyable.

Can you find me?

I’ve been told pugs look like aliens, this may be true!

Have a great Friday everyone.

Now back to sleep!

Dolly the Pug

Brought to you by Dolly’s favorite dog collars and leashes – Diva Dog! Get free shipping thru the weekend when you shop www.diva-dog.com

Attack Pug

Check out Dolly as she springs into action against the evil sock Under Lord:

Day 3

On day 3 I am thankful for the power of invisibility. Now you may be thinking, Dolly you are out of your mind! But before you put me in a doggy straight jacket, let me explain. Because of my diminutive and petite physique, I fit into tiny places. And my humans don’t know I’m there. I can nap for hours under a pillow on the couch. Or, observe the neighborhood cat from behind a plant. I am virtually invisible. This comes in hand at dinner time where I stalk food scraps from under the dining room table.

Dolly The Pug
Editor in Chief
The Dolly Files

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Day One

I’ve been inspired by my many followers posts about things they are thankful for. Obviously I live a life of privileged, but the “little things” are still what matter most to this pug.

Day one of “Things I Am Thankful For” – Car Rides
There isn’t a dog alive that doesn’t go weak at the knees when they hear their owners car keys jingle. Wind on our faces, ears flapping in the wind and the occasional bark at passing motorcycles – live just doesn’t get any better that this. So humans, you may think it’s just a short drive to the drugstore, or a quick drive-thru to grab a cup of coffee, but to us dogs, it’s the biggest thing to happen to us today. Strap a dog in and ride. Ride like the wind!!!

Co-Pilot Dolly Sitting Shotgun!

 

It’s Just Plain Embarrassing!

It’s that time of year again, Halloween. Now it’s true I’m only 1 1/2 years old so this is just my second year of this but I am speaking on behalf of all pugs when I say “make this madness stop”!!!!

There isn’t a day that goes by where somewhere on this planet a pug is being stuffed into a costume and having their photos taken. Then, said photos are posted on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram accounts and our most embarrassing moments are forever on display.

Halloween is just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to this travesty. We’ve been turned into Easter Bunnies, Cupids and leprechaun’s in addition to the hundreds of Yoda’s you will see this month. Here are just a few examples of the ways in which we are exploited for your amusement:

Note to all pug owners, “round” is not a good silhouette for us!

Now, you might be thinking to yourself, Dolly – you are doing the same thing. And yes, I am but you have to admit pugs make you smile (and you are probably doing that right now). So, AFTER you read my blog, start rallying in support of my important issue.

Dolly The Pug

Editor In Chief
The Dolly Files

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What the WHAT?

We are faced with the age old question? Are pugs cats, cleverly disguised as small and adorable puppies? Or, a fiendishly clever puppy who uses their wiles on unsuspecting humans to garner treats? Cat? Dog? You decide!

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As you probably know (and who doesn’t keep up on this sort of thing), I am the spokes-puppy for Diva-Dog.com. In addition to ribbon cutting ceremonies, kissing babies and visiting the White House I also share with my loyal fans news on their company. Here’s a really good one!

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Wags n Kisses,

Editor in Chief of “The Dolly Files”

Winning

Have you ever had one of those moments where you felt like you were floating on air? If you played the lotto you would win. If you had to kick the game winning field goal you would nail it. Or like myself, if you stared at your humans they would open the refrigerator door to a wall of steaks for you!

Well take note world. On this day in pug history, I am having one of those moments.

Last night my humans let me sleep on the bed and forgot to put me in my crate. I woke up to the texture of 1000 thread count Egyptian cotton under my bottom.

That’s not where this dream state ended  either. The humans had massive quantities of steak last night and were impervious to my doe eyed begging. But this morning their cold, cruel hearts melted and I was served up a heaping bowl of steak scraps and kibble. Adding the maraschino cherry on top of my morning was the presentation of the bone. Not just any bone either. One larger than my front leg!

Words cannot express the dizzying delight I felt when that bone was set in front of me. I was speechless… almost.

I hope you find yourself sprinkled with the pixie dust of good fortune peeps!
Dolly The Pug

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Surviving Summer: Pug Style!

School is out, the sun is hot and I’m exhausted. It must be summer. And you know what summer rhymes with? BUMMER! Yes, you heard me right. I am not a fan of the summer solstice.

If you are built like me, short legs, or as I like to say – “ground hugging traction” you are  closer to the hot pavement. Additionally, my classic looks include a somewhat underdeveloped nose. It is of course fabulous to look at, but harder to breathe thru. Combine that with the fact that I am of generous proportions, and you have one hot dog!

I have found a way to combat the ravages of summer with a simple routine. I bask in the sun early in the day, and follow that up with a power nap. The power nap is a necessary part of this regimen. Without the added energy and vigor of the nap, I can barely gather myself for my midday snack!

I repeat step 2 & 3 (for those of you not listening, that’s another nap and another snack) a couple more times but within the confines of my luxury, air conditioned abode. This goes on for HOURS. Nap, snack, nap, snack etc. I call this “Beast Mode”. Caution: You have to work your conditioning up to this.

Finally the sun sets and I’m ready for dinner! It’s the best time of the day.

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Somebody’s Watching You!

Dear reader, I don’t know if you realize this, but you are constantly under surveillance. Not by your government, aliens from outer space or the great All Mighty. You are under the watchful eye of your pet. To be more specific, your dog!

Dogs sort of slip under the radar. We are at your feet when you are flossing. Sitting on your lap when you are reading. And generally just blending in to the background. Most dogs are trying to get your attention. They want to be petted, fed or just acknowledged in most instances. But occasionally you run across Spy Dog. Spy Dog is interested in your every move. We sniff everything you touch, we slink up behind you and root thru the trash can you just deposited something into (it could be a clue)! Spy Dog even watches you when you sleep. We are the ever-vigilant protectors of the universe (we aren’t sure what we are protecting you from, but we are always on duty).

Don’t fear Spy Dog. Don’t stop Spy Dog. Just go about your business and let us do our job. Oh, and Spy Dog works for treats. Treat Spy Dog!

Agent X

Undercover! On the Job!

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The United States of Dolly Dollars

The Fine Art of Begging

I have been asked by the press a million times on tips to becoming a successful diva. It is well know the world is at my feet. Kibble rains down like a spring shower whenever I bat my eyes and nobody can resist petting me (once I force my way onto their laps). But it hasn’t always been so.

I was once a small puppy with no game! Nil. Nada. I couldn’t beg to save my life. It was frustrating waiting on my humans to feed me on their schedules. They didn’t understand I needed hourly “top-offs” to my bowl. And their feeble attempts at throwing the tennis ball was appalling (for some reason my not returning the ball they threw, wasn’t part of the “game” and they lost interest in chasing me).

Cue the trumpets:
Move over Tony Robbins, because your self-help- guru-of-begging is here to show you how it is done! With only a few easy lessons I will have you eating out of your humans hands in no time.

Step One: Eye Contact
Now I mean eye CONTACT. Literally. Get your eyes as close to the humans as you can. If that means jumping up onto laps, do it! If that means interfering with their dinner, driving, or reading… do it! I’ve been known to cause near accidents with my aggressive approach. Granted, I’m no longer allowed to sit in the passenger seat without a restraint, but you get my point.

Step Two: Dogged Determination
Don’t let swats on your fanny deter you. If you get pushed off a lap, what do you do? Jump right back up there! If you get put in your crate what do you do? Howl like there’s no tomorrow (eventually you will either be let out, or they will put a towel over your crate and you will take a nap – which isn’t a bad option either.)

Step Three: Spell It Out
Humans aren’t smart. It’s a fact! I read it on the internet. You need to help these poor humans know what it is you want in the most rudimentary ways (bless their hearts)! They have to literally be lead by their noses. I’ve done it all. I’ve stood ankle deep in my food bowl, put the tennis ball in their hands, growled at the leash.  Here is an example:

Hey there! What’s for dinner?

The ribs were about ready to come off the grill and I swooped into action. I positioned myself next to my prize and stared balefully into my humans eyes. I was completely in-the-moment. If there was an Academy Award for pugs, I would have won it for “Best Actress in a scene involving meats”.

Step Four: Look For Opportunities
A great example is when your human is reading the newspaper – POUNCE! Hit that newspaper like a football team going out onto the field. You will stun your human with this brash move. Follow up with licks to the face to compensate for the fact you are most likely going to get scolded. Then drop the tennis ball on their laps. And push it toward them with sad puppy eyes.

If I have enlightened a few puppies out there, then my work here is done. And your welcome!

Regards,
Dolly The Pug

Editor in Chief of “The Dolly Files”

This weeks edition of The Dolly Files was brought to you by Diva-Dog! Check out the 2016 line of products and receive 20% off these items by using coupon code: SP2016 at checkout

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Get a Job!

For those of you that didn’t watch CNN or E! News today, it’s my birthday. Parades and speeches aside, it’s been a very busy day for me. Not only did I turn 7 today (in dog years), but I also was given a job. Not a “chore” but an actual bonafide J-O-B. My title is Czar of Social Media Content. As far as I can tell that means posing for pictures next to things. I know of several media starts that do this for a living. Think anything that ends in “dashian”.

For my first post with my fancy new title, I am sharing a peek into my work day. This is me hard a work updating my social status. Don’t you think my human should be working harder?

I’m LOL’ing and OMG’ing into the great cyber universe. I’ve #duckfaced  and I think it is only appropriate to tweet the duck. I’ve also learned by some very sad trial and error how to hold the camera at a flattering angle to hide my slight issue with neck rolls. #stilllookingforskinnyfilters

Lest there be a backlash, I did NOT use a slenderizing filter #bae.

Happy Birthday To Me,
Dolly the Pug
Editor-In-Chief & New Social Media Star
The Dolly Files
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Clothing Optional – Musings of a Muse

For some reason people LOVE to dress up their dogs, and in particular, pugs! My human has stuffed my plump little body into everything from a vampire bat costume, a frilly summer frock, a very bad 70’s disco vest and what can only be described as “Barrio-Chic”.

I’m not above the occasional twirl down the runway of life, I’m used to the “oohs!” and “aahs!” as I saunter past, but things have gotten out of hand. I’ve seen web searches for booties! Yes, I said booties. Small boots for dogs. Shoes, for a dog! What in heavens name do I need booties for? I live indoors… in Southern California. My paws are used to the plush feel of carpet, or a soft summer breeze as I am conveyed about the yard. Not the constriction of soles and shoe laces.

I’ve put my ear to the wall to listen to the late night confabs my human has had with her fellow dog-crazy friends. She’s been sizing me up for what can only be described as Pug Spanx! I don’t need tummy control panels, or booty pads. And certainly NOT sandal toes!

On behalf of all canines I beseech you all, this madness must end! And by end I mean no more doggy glasses, tiaras, hats, tutu’s or other accessories you think would look “cute” on us. We. Are. Not. Amused!

Ciao Bella!

This weeks “Musings of a Muse” was brought to you by Diva-Dog! Check out the latest in Canine Chic at www.diva-dog.com

 

 

 

Super Bowl!

I was told there’s going to be a super bowl next weekend! My little heart jumped at the thought of a giant bowl of kibble. Would it be chicken? Fish? Dare I say BISON??? But no, what you humans call a Super Bowl isn’t kibble. It isn’t even in a bowl! What’s wrong with the world?

If puppies were in charge, things would be different. And by different, I mean delicious. A giant metal bowl would be created and filled to the brim with delightful treats. Puppies from all over the world would join together in a contest of true grit. Winners would be decided by how many kibbles could be downed in a 60 minute time frame. Our half time show would involve cats, mail men and squirrels. And the victor would receive a life-sized sculpture of themselves carved out of steak.

So next weekend, when you are watching that boring game on tv, ask yourself, wouldn’t a Dolly Bowl be more interesting?

Dolly the Pug
Commissioner of Mischief

Editor in Chief of “The Dolly Files”

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I’m Better Than A Xanax

My mom was once again watching Dr. Oz (the family usually bans her from doing this because we end up eating some crazy diet or we find he smearing strange things on her face). Anyway, he had a guest on that said the #1 reason he will live longer is he has a dog! Really, no kidding, a dog! Apparently us domesticated canines stare lovingly into your eyes and it reduces the overall levels of the stress hormone, cortisol in your body. Not only that, but you also get a boost in your parasympathetic nervous system activity, the system that helps calm and rest the body.

So next time you are feeling stressed out, just take a look at this picture:

And feel the stress melting away!

Editor in Chief of “The Dolly Files”

Dolly The Pug
dolly@diva-dog.com

Brought to you by Diva-Dog, Diva Dog is dedicated to creating stylish dog collars and accessories for your favorite obsession, your best friend, your dog!

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Cute Is The New Camo!

While perusing the television with my humans, I ran across a “nature” program about camouflage as protection against predators. First of all, there’s nothing “natural” about living outdoors, hunting for your food, and missing nap times. It’s not just “un-natural” it goes against every fiber in my being!

Alas, I digress. The idea of camouflage is not new to me. I have been practicing my own version of it for months (I’m only 8 months old as I’m sure you already know). In order to protect myself from the occasional swats on my tush for chewing on a couch cushion, I go into “cute mode”. It involves my patented moves. There are many more, but for brevity’s sake, try these:

1. The side eye glance
2. The over the shoulder big eyes
3. The chin on the knee
4. The face between the paws

Now, this is not for everyone. Heavens NO! In fact, you must first be adorable to pull off this trick. Once you’ve established your adorableness factor (between 7-8 is meh, I’m a 10+), you can then try the beginner moves. I would start with the “Face between the paws”. It works in the most dire of situations involving expensive footwear or the accident on the carpet.

Best of luck!
Dolly the Pug
For more hints, and suggestions ask Dolly:dolly@diva-dog.com

Brought to you by Diva-Dog

 

Modeling: The Hardest Job in the World

I’ve watched bits and pieces of “Deadliest Catch”, “Ice Road Truckers” and “Ax Men” and I’m far from impressed. Although those humans put themselves in harms way to earn a living, nothing is as stressful as being a dog model.

Not only do I have to watch my weight, go to the pet salon regularly, and chew on bones to keep the gleam on my puppy teeth, but I also have to work on my poses. I must capture the moment in a slight turn of my head, or a parting of my lips. Take these poses for instance:

Intense

Bemused

Captivated

Bawdy

So, the next time you watch “Americas Top Model”, show some respect. They work hard so you don’t have to.

Editor in Chief of “The Dolly Files”

Dolly The Pug
dolly@diva-dog.com

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My Calling: The Legend of Greatness

The Graduate

After the last piece of confetti flutters to the floor. After the last strains of Pomp & Circumstance echoes thru the halls. After the crowds depart. A small pug is left to wonder. What will I do with myself? Am I going to follow in the footsteps of the graduates before me and work in a coffee shop? Will I use the skills I learned? Will my job make me happy? Ok, really I was wondering when will they feed me, when I found my true calling:
I will enter the world of “Home Health Care”. And not just enter it, I will leap into it with all four paws!

This is the story that pug will pass along to pug upon their graduation day:

It was a warm summer day. My human was returning from a form of torture known as exercise. It involved all sort of inhumane activities like running and lifting weights. The rattle of the front doorknob pulled me out of my slumber. I raced to the door to discover a hunched over human walking, no, hobbling past me. She took what seemed like an eternity to lower herself to the floor and let out a groan.

Pug vs. Pad

Not knowing what new game we were playing I leaped on top of her and started licking her face and bounding about. She groaned again, which I took as “jump around and lick me more”. When I was unceremoniously pushed off of her, I noticed she clearly wasn’t happy. On all fours she crawled past me to the bathroom and returned with a heating pad. She gingerly lay down upon it and remained motionless. I was puzzled, but soon came to realize she needed more licks and less leaps.

From that day forward, whenever I see a human in distress, I leap into action and administer puppy CPR. Cuddle, Pounce and Retreat. Oh and then I lick all the pain away.
If you need any job advice, please email me. As my humans say “I am full of it”!

Dolly the Pug

Editor in Chief of “The Dolly Files”

dolly@diva-dog.com

This episode of Dolly the Pug was brought to you by Diva-Dog. Check out what’s on sale at Diva-Dog:

All That Hassle for a Tassle!

Graduation day is here! I have not only passed the required doggy-obedience classes, I excelled. Some might say I was a model student. My humans were sufficiently impressed with my skills at “down”, “sit” and “leave it” to award me with a graduation hat this morning. Of course my fashionista instincts were on high alert. Does it go with my outfit? Does it enhance my wide-set eyes? My inner fashionista snorted, turned on her tail and stalked off. I had no other recourse than to chew it up. I will be sauntering down the aisle sans-chapeau! Adieu doggy-obedience, I will miss the delicious doggy treats I was allowed to inhale when I nailed another trick and the constant adoration my humans were required to give me on said occasions.

Dolly the Pug
dolly@diva-dog.com

Dolly’s graduation day approaches

Oh Waiter

Dolly let’s her food bowl have it! Check out how she shows her humans she’s not happy about the sad state of her empty food bowl.

I won’t, I won’t, I won’t!

Dog Obedience Class, or as I like to call it “another way to waste my humans money”

Showdown at the K-9 Corral

It was a Thursday, just like any other Thursday, except this one would go down in the annals of dog history as the “bark heard ’round the world”.

I was just minding my own business, gnawing on the rubbery heel of another chew toy (ok, it was a shoe, but nonetheless, another chew toy in my book) when I heard the gentle tinkle of my harness being removed from the coat rack. Innocently I ran towards the device, unaware of the torture that would soon be inflicted upon me.

After a short car ride I was breezing thru the doors of another pet store. Intent upon finding the treat section, I was caught unaware when I found myself inside what could only be described as a holding pen for wayward dogs. The bulldog immediately caught my eye. Was he friend or foe? Only time would tell.

Short introductions were made, then we got down to the real reason I was here. l was in “doggy obedience” classes. I made a run for it, but quickly realized I was shackled to the humans. My only option was to hunker down and wait for the assault.

A perky woman in pigtails showed the humans a bag of treats (this got my attention). She walked up to the Sheltie and proceeded to force her to sit by waving a treat under her nose. This got all the humans excited including mine. They stealthily pulled a treat out of their bag and proceeded to wave it in front of my nose. Hah! I wasn’t budging. I leaped for it, ran around their feet tangling my leash and subduing them. This caught the eye of the instructor. She took the treats and tried her voodoo magic on me, but I wasn’t falling for it! After about 10 tries, HER instructor came on to try and tame this majestic beast. She brought different treats, a doggie bed so that my tush wouldn’t touch the cold floor. But no dice lady! I woofed, wiggled and made my stand. Not just for me, but for all dog-kind.

When your children’s, children celebrate this day, tell them it was the day Dolly declared Freedom for all four legged friends! Viva Dolly! Viva!

Dolly the Pug,

Editor in Chief of “The Dolly Files”

dolly@diva-dog.com

Dolly the Pug, brought to you by Diva-Dog.com Flash Sale – 25% off all Daisy Collars

“Vet” Took on a New Meaning Today

I have been TO the vet. It’s a confusing experience that involves needles, pats on the head from strangers, a prance across the scale and a cookie at the end of the visit (not to mention the embarrassing moment when they take my temperature.) I have mixed emotions about the whole process.

Patriotic Pug  – wag your flag!

But what I want to talk about is the other kind of vet. The one that travels to foreign lands, with enemies hiding behind every rock and around every doorway and protects my furry bottom. I want to take this opportunity to salute those brave souls. Happy Fourth of July to our brave men and women abroad and at home as well as their families. We are free because of you. So hoot and howl this Fourth of July, but remember the saying “Freedom Isn’t Free”. Then pass the potato salad (if you drop a little bit on the ground for me, I won’t tell anyone)!

Dolly the Pug
dolly@diva-dog.com

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The Not So Great Outdoors

There are different types of people.

There are the intellectuals that can be found hanging out in galleries using terms like “existential”, “painterly” and “abstract expressionism”… I’m not one of them.

There are the sporty types who know point spreads, combines and the pros and cons of designated hitters… I’m not one of them.

Then there’s the outdoors-y types. They camp. They hike. They fish, surf, climb things. Basically they’re for all things I am against!

Duck – I mean Ducks!

My family is “outdoors-y”. Problem with that, you ask? After all who doesn’t want to smell fresh air and commune with Mother Nature? ME, that’s who! I am perfectly at peace with the world lying on a couch, carpet or other soft, man-made material. Driving in the comfort of a well air conditioned automobile is underrated.

I’ve been to the “mountain” and believe me, it ain’t worth the hike!

Dolly The Pug
dolly@diva-dog.com

 

Cookie Monster

Someone’s leaving crumbs on my desk!

In The Bag.

Lately I’ve been ferried about town in a tote – I’m pretty sure I’m actually being smuggled!

There appears to be stores out there that don’t want dogs in them. Weird I know, but alas it is true. Take Starbucks for instance – NOT loving dogs in their stores. Thankfully my winning smile attracted the sympathy of the baristas and they looked the other way. I’ve also been taken “on the down low” into Walmart, Macys and a few restaurants.

Dolly doing coffee at Starbucks

But here’s my real peeve: I love designer handbags like every red blooded female out there, but this has got to stop. The real issue is it’s a TOTE! It’s not even designer brand tote. This is bad for my image. If you find any photos of me stuffed into this abomination on Instagram – I am begging you to remove them, or at the very least mention I am being held against my will!

Dolly The Pug
dolly@diva-dog.com

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Ladies World Cup – Such a Sad Situation

Being a world-class athlete, I am in tip-top condition at all times. My resting heart rate is optimal. My BMI is exceptionally good and my paw-eye coordination is incredible. I’m really a marvel to behold.

Why don’t I play on a team you ask? Well of course I could, and I would be the best player on the team. And that’s the problem. I am so incredibly good that I would ruin the hopes and dreams of those poor lesser talents.

Move over Hope Solo!

Take the US Ladies Soccer team. They have a goalie. And some people think she is pretty good. But how can a person with sadly, just two feet compete with four lightening fast paws? And don’t forget a set of razor sharp teeth! It just wouldn’t be fair.

So today, while I am sitting in front of my television watching those sad bi-ped women flail and wobble about on the field, I won’t judge them to harshly. After all, it’s not their fault. There’s only room in this world for one Dolly the Pug.

Go Team USA!
Dolly the Pug
dolly@diva-dog.com

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Dog Tired

I’ve heard the term “Dog Tired” bandied about by the humans in my house. They use it to describe the state of being too tired to take me on midnight raids on my kibble bowl, playing “chase me around the yard when it’s time to come in”, or basically anything I find fun!

I am here to put my paw down and say “Dog Tired” is hokum! They’re not even DOGS! I bet they watched a segment of Dr. Oz and self-diagnosed. This wouldn’t be the first time they found “symptoms” on that show. Witness the month of gluten-free, the day of super food juicing (noticed I said day, as in ONE day).

I’m a dog and I don’t get tired. I can chew on socks for hours, race around the yard till I’m panting. And still I have plenty of energy. Okay, I DO take the occasional nap. Okay, nap(sssss). But it isn’t because I’m tired, I just find a need to shut my eyes for a few minutes at a time. I’m really just in a state of meditation.

Meditating on quantum physics. What is string theory? Is it a toy?

So to all you dog posers out there: GET OVER IT! Chase your dog, play ball with them, cater to their every whim, be cause we are in on your dirty little secret!

Dolly The Pug
dolly@diva-dog.com

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Welcome to Dollywood

There is a magical kingdom called Dollywood. And it is ruled by a beautiful Princess named Dolly. Shoes are everywhere and everyone can chew on them without getting scolded. Kibble rains down upon the villagers like a soft summer shower. Nobody wears collars and leashes are outlawed. Kicking over a wastebasket full of paper, and chewing on the balls of wadded up fun is the national pastime.

Where is this place, you ask? It resides in the brain of a small pug. Her name? Princess Dolly. Welcome to Dolly’s world.

Written on behalf of Princess Dolly by her faithful servants.

Dolly@diva-dog.com

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Playing With Your Food

Grapes: Food or toy? 

The Pupperazzi

I know that being a celebrity comes with a lot of perks, but it also comes with the loss of ones privacy. I can no longer go to the market and shop. Ok, I never went to the market anyway. But now, even if I wanted to pretend to be a commoner and buy a can of dog food at Walmart, I would be chased back to my limo buy the blinding lights of cameras. What barbarians!

Yes, you guessed it. I’m hounded by the puperazzi. Who are the pupperazzi you ask? Well, they are a certain breed of dog (cough, Rotweiller) that bottom dwell and make their living by harassing A-listers like myself. They doctor photos to make me look like I’m not bikini ready, I’m in a cult, I’m dating George Clooney or even worse, I’m ugly!

The Puperazzi caught Dolly in an undisclosed location, doing unmentionable things!

I’ve held my head high and ignored them for far too long. The current issues on the news stands have my hackles up. I merely dropped my Chanel bag while giving a homeless man a quarter and they went crazy snapping shots of me. Obviously they used Photoshop!

Signing off for now,
Dolly The Pug
dolly@diva-dog.com

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*&%^#!! Happens

For some reason, I am supposed to “go” outdoors. Not just outdoors, mind you either. But in the cheesily named “Poo Poo Patch”. Out in the wide open. With animals. WILD ANIMALS!

I put my paw down early and said no. I will not be subject to such barbaric treatment. I asked my people “Would YOU pee outside”? My dad said yes, and my mom did not comment (I find that telling).

Anyway, they ignored my pleas. So I had to resort to plain old stubbornness. Stubbornness has done me well in these past 3 months of my life. I first refused to switch to kibble from my moms milk. But the hollow pit in my stomach soon turned me to the sirens call of the kibble bowl. I then refused to sleep all night. I would whimper like a wounded animal for hours. That worked for a while until I was then put in a crate with a towel over it. Soon, I couldn’t resist the pull of a soft warm bed and pitch dark and fell asleep for the entire night.

Dolly stands tall in her solidarity with all dogs need to pee freely.

But now I am on a mission. My sheer force of will is going to keep me from the denigration of the Poo Poo Patch. I will stand up for all those puppies who “went” before me. I will pee at will on the rug. I will hold it in when they take me outside, then go number 2 on the bottom step of the stairs (strategically located to be stepped in when they are careening down the stairs in the morning, oblivious to my IED).

Victory will be mine!

Signing off for now,

Dolly the Pug
dolly@diva-dog.com

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My Name is No

I am not Dolly the Pug. My real name is No Dolly. Or to be exact: NO DOLLY!

You see, whenever I go about my routine of eat, sleep and play I tend to get into trouble around the “play” portion of my day. The humans in my house don’t seem to take kindly to the kinds of things I like to play. Such as, pull the carpets around:

They are equally uninterested in my game of “Untie the Shoe”:

Signing off for now
No Dolly
dolly@diva-dog.com

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Move Over Giselle!

Dolly on the set!

Some people might say I’m a diva. Ok, EVERYONE says I’m a Diva. So it was only natural that Diva-Dog would approach my agent to get me to model for their new campaign. Of course we turned them down – I am too “big” for that! How would they ever think that a mega-star like myself would have time in my busy day to sit and pose? But then they said it paid in kibble and we had to reconsider. After all, we’re talking about KIBBLE!

So, on the day of my shoot I arrived in total Diva style. Late. Ok, REALLY late. And they were not so pleased to see me. In fact, they were down right upset. But who can blame me? It takes hours to look this good. I don’t just roll out of bed looking adorable. I have my people. Hair, make-up, stylist, personal assistant etc. After all, who is going to carry my latte and my phone? Hello, no opposable thumbs here!

We were able to come to terms with the crew and then I went into action. I chewed on my harness, peed on the carpet, turned my tail to the camera. As I was told later “it is a total fiasco” (I think that means really good in Italian).

As the title of this article says “Move over Giselle” cuz there’s a new “B” in town, and her name is Dolly. I’ve dropped the rest of my name, because when you’re a superstar, you don’t need more than a one word name.

Dolly (the artist formerly known as Dolly the Pug)
dolly@diva-dog.com

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Paleo Pug

My mom is always on a diet. She’s “low carb”. Whatever that means. I think she also mentioned something about gluten. I’m not sure what gluten is, but if it tastes like beef, count me in!

I’m always sitting on my moms lap near the tv (and ya wonder why she’s always on a diet)! Anyway, there was this lady on a morning show – rhymes with “Da-day Show” that said there’s this diet called the Paleo diet. Of course when I heard diet, I crawled under a cushion. But what she said made perfect sense to me. Paleo refers to cavemen and their daily routine of eating whatever was at their disposal. They were what is known as “Opportunistic Eaters”. That is moi! I eat pencils, shoes, loose belts on robes and toys. Anything that lands on the floor is fair game for me. And you know what? I’ve never felt better.

My slender waistline is a testament to my strict paleo diet.

Of course I am also not opposed to a heaping scoop of kibble placed in a hot pink dog bowl.

This is NOT my third helping!

Bon appetite!

Dolly the Pug
dolly@diva-dog.com

Naps.

I’m an artist. My medium? Naps. I can take one anywhere and anytime. Here are just a few of my latest creations:

I did this in my moms gym bag.

And this:

Notice the form? The extension of the back legs? Perfection!

And the masterpiece:

Ta-da!

Have a great day,

Dolly The Pug
dolly@diva-dog.com

Busted! Dolly Gets The Boot.

What can I say? I was framed!

Dolly the Pug
dollly@diva-dog.com

First You Have To Admit You Have A Problem.

Some people like chocolate. I’m a dog. Chocolate is poison to us. So no, I do not have a problem with chocolate. Some people like exercise. I am a pug, and exercise is poisonous to us (not really, but I like to think it is). And some people like shoes. I like shoes. And therein lies the problem. I like ALL KINDS OF SHOES. Strappy sandals, plush slippers, rubbery soled sneakers and work boots. OH HOW I LOVE work boots. I could go on for hours about the smell of the suede, the texture of the thick, round shoelaces and the flavor of those hard soles. Mmmmmmm!

Ok, snap out of it Dolly! This is a column about admitting to yourself when you have a problem and according to my family, my shoe fetish has gotten way out of hand. My mom has sat me down and had a “puppy intervention”. I just looked at her with that dazed expression I get when I am hiding something and trying not to let on that I really know what she is saying. Deep down I know I should quit. But how (insert the word “why” here, because I really don’t know why I should give up this delightful pastime)?

You’re digressing again Dolly! I need a plan. I heard there is a “steps” program. Maybe I can come up with 5 steps to not chewing the begeezus out of my family’s shoes? Here goes. This is my “Five Steps To Not Eating Shoes” by Dolly the Pug:

Step 1. Take a nap. I’m always at my best after a nap. Yes, take a nap!

Step 2.  Eat. There’s nothing like eating to calm the nerves.

Step 3. Take another nap. Because, how can you keep your eyes open after eating all that food?

Step 4. Visit the Lady’s Room. Ok, we call it “Poo Poo Patch” and its behind the house, but I don’t want to sound crass.

Step 5. Um, I sort of forgot what we are doing here, so I think taking another nap sounds good.

Whew! Now that I’m rested and relaxed I think I’ll go for a stroll thru the closets to just “window shop”….

Til Next Time,
Dolly The Pug
dolly@diva-dog.com

Hello. Dolly!

Hi. My name is Dolly. Some people call me Dolly the Pug, Dolly Madison (because I’m sweet as pie – yuck) and Doll Face. You can call me Editor in Chief of the hippest dog column on the planet! Yes, you heard it right, I’m a dog and I write an advice and lifestyle column. Look for my daily noodlings on such things as “Cats! Why?”, “Naps…, Oh yeah naps…” and “What I Chewed on Today”. If you would like advice, I’m all ears too. Just email me your questions and quandaries and I will solve all of your problems. Or at the very least, make you smile.

Signing off for now to do some research on my naps article!

Dolly The Pug
dolly@diva-dog.com

Editor in Chief of “The Dolly Files”